Something Something

"“Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?” -..."

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 13:39:00 -0500

“

“Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?” - Macbeth.

Sonnet 141:
In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But ‘tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue’s tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway’d the likeness of a man,
Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

”

- I thought I would start the year with Shakespeare, brought to my attention by the scrumptious film (and one I completely identify with) 10 Things I Hate About You.

Pet Peeves #120, #567 and #423

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:55:41 -0500

To round up 2008 true to my style, here are a list of things I need to spill out in order to enjoy 2009 better.

People ringing the doorbell multiple times. Seriously, folks, calm down. One ring is as audible as two. So if you have to wait for a second after your first doorbell, it’s because the person behind it obviously needs some time to get to the door. Ringing the fucking bell again and again won’t speed up the process. It might speed up your departure after the door is opened though. This is especially true of times when you really can’t get to the door. You’re in the shower, you have a broken ankle, you’re cooking somethingthat’ll catch fire the second you leave. At such times, multiple doorbells, increasingly closer in time, can cause serious murderous feelings. So, henceforth, just ring the bell once. Wait for a minute. Then leave.

People using unnecessary apostrophes. I have noticed that people in India can’t type proper English anymore and have to use really stupid abbreviations for every word, even when the short form of the word is actually the same amount of letters as the actual word! Like PLEEEZ for PLEASE. Just use the actual word!! Anyway, that in itself is so infuriating that it’s much more than a harmless pet peeve. But this apostrophe thing- God! People think anytime you add an ‘S’ to a word, you have to use an apostrophe. It makes no sense at all! People call me Chinks here (or as I like to spell it, Chinx) and when they Facebook me or email me, they actually write “Hi Chink’s!” … WHY? Hi my what?? I get call times for my shoot every evening, and the fucking infuriating text always reads “Call time for AD’s is 8am”. That’s not correct!! People need to be hit on the head with the last Harry Potter book for doing it (which I am currently re-reading).

People trying to help you park your car. Back off. The last thing I want when I’m straining to look back and in front at the same time, and trying to avoid hitting a wall or another car while going in a bizarre reverse angle, is a man standing right in my way swinging his arms around like a maniac. What is the point of this?? Usually these men stand there and just do the same hand motion again and again- this way, this way, this way. I GET IT!! It’s obvious which way I have to go so fuck off!! My first hit-and-run might just be a hit-and-park-on-top-of-the-body.

But, all in all, it’s been a tremendous year. And unforgettable, life-altering one. I’m truly blessed in the stuff that really matters. Pet peeves aside.

Life is good again!

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0500

I have just discovered that in the very next lane, 5 minutes away from my house, is an Oh Calcutta restaurant! And it delivers!! Why did I never venture out there and see this 6 months ago! Bye Bye omelettes, Hello fish tikka! Well maybe for the next 2 days before I get bored of that… but still!

Shoot is going… quite well. Good people have fallen sick and irritating people have been trying to take over. I just do my own thing though, so it’s fine. I had one of my nasty migraines this morning, and left in the middle of the day to take a nap and then went back to shoot. It’s awesome that my house is about 7 minutes away from the studio.

Anyway, this is all very boring. Ayan, the film’s director, has had a mouth ulcer for the past 2 weeks. It’s healing now, and he said that he was going to miss it. So we decided to name it, so we can properly mourn it’s death. He thought that maybe it was a man, but I knew that it was an old, bitter woman with a mole on her cheek and sagging boobs. Therefore, I christened it Bertha. Bertha has, as of today, left our lives forever.

Irony amongst Ironies

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:43:53 -0500

So, as we all know, I played a stupid waxing lady in a film. Blah blah. Anyway, today (after an unmentionable amount of time) we packed up early from shoot so I ran to the salon to get my legs waxed. And there, while I lay without my pants on, my waxing lady said that she had seen me in the movie… And then, if I wasn’t redfaced enough, proceeded to discuss the way I had taken the strip off the body double and give me a lesson on the finer techniques of waxing.

Great.

In other news, our film set is absolutely wonderful. It feels like a lovely, warm apartment that we’re crashing to shoot our film. Plus, it’s super cold there, so everyone bundles up and sips on hot tea and sits around chatting while shots are set up. It’s also a lot of hard work, but that only adds to the excitement. This shoot business is addictive.

Yesterday I was sitting in the office, editing a romantic scene where Ranbir and Konkona walk...

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 12:14:53 -0500

Yesterday I was sitting in the office, editing a romantic scene where Ranbir and Konkona walk outside on the streets outside Bombay’s iconic Metro Cinema- peaceful empty streets with gorgeous Victorian structures in the background and the only sounds were those of a rare passing car. I came home, and put on the news and the very same area had blood spilled all over the roads, people dragging dead bodies into cars and gun shots and screams were the only sounds. Un-fucking-believable. It’s been over 24 hours since then, and the terror is still not over- people are still being held hostage, bombs are still going off, innocent people are still dying. I just have to say that I think that this is all because men suck. They are fucking dogs who think violence and terror will give them power. It’s the same bloody My Dick is Bigger Than Yours game. They had a photo of one of the terrorists and he was this 17 year old with a huge gun in his hand and a crazy smile on his face- as if this was nothing more than a football match and he was going to make the other team lose. Not once have I heard any mention of a woman being connected to any of the attacks around the world this past decade. They just don’t have the stupid blindness that men get when power is dangled in front of them. UUUGHH fucking assholes.

Fame is my middle name

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:00:10 -0500

Yes. I’m in a magazine AND a film. And yes, being recognized on the streets and giving out autographs to little boys and girls is as glamourous as I thought it would be. I’ve been offered four roles already, one for a leading lady with the most promising actor out there. OK, I’ll stop tooting my own horn now. Basically because it’s crap and I look retarded in the stupid magazine picture and disgustingly embarrassing in the film. But it’s all good. Helps me realize that choosing a career behind the camera was the right choice for me.

Dostana is out today! There’s no way that it won’t do well. Especially because it’s the best looking film of the year with awesome music and loads of really funny one-liners. It’s a good time for all. Although I really wish people would discuss the film with me instead of bringing up my stupid 2 second role whenever they see me.

I’m going to so so sad when Wake Up Sid comes out. To work so hard for so long and then just put it out there and it’s done and people watch it and judge it and forget about it. Tough stuff man. Anyway, I’m just blabbering because I’m sleepy but don’t feel like getting up. So bye.

The End of Innocence

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:53:45 -0400

A couple of days ago, something happened that caught me completely off-guard… and let me tell you that’s hard to do. We were shooting in a charming little cluster of old Catholic houses and stone walkways called Ranwar Village, and one of the scenes included Ranbir taking pictures of random objects and people around the area. While doing some earlier scenes, we noticed a bunch of little girls peeking in from behind a wall, giggling and pointing. They had old tattered clothes on, dirt on their hands and faces, and crazy messy hair that gave them all the air of lovable ruggamuffins. We decided to use them in a shot and show Ranbir taking a picture of them playing around. So we told them to stay around and we would call them when we needed them. Suddenly they all disappeared, and then returned 20 minutes later. Only none of us recognized them anymore! They had all gone home, changed into jazzy vulgar clothes, brushed their hair and actually put a shitload of makeup on!! I mean… what??! They were 6-year-olds off the streets! Why were they trying to be bar dancers?? Is that what they thought being in a film meant?! And then when they were doing the scene, we asked them to sit around Ranbir and they all grabbed him and put their arms around him, and wouldn’t let go even between takes. I bet they even had catfights when they went back home about who got the most attention from him. They all got chocolate and an autograph for their efforts- and one girl actually demanded for his phone number alongwith the autograph.

How much competition do I really have man??

A Comeback

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 06:42:10 -0400

I have ignored this blog for too long, and the guilt was going to eat me alive. Hence, a return. And true to my usual form, here are a few updates in my favorite format- a list!

1. Shoot for Wake Up Sid! has started. In fact, it gives me a jolt to announce that about 12% of filming is already complete!

2. My psycho-lesbian maid is gone and has been replaced by a new one whose name is Baby.

3. I have given up all sense of style and become a man.

4. I have touched Ranbir Kapoor’s butt. (He hand pants on, so not his actual butt, I guess).

5. Chai has emerged as the most necessary beverage in my life.

6. The entire city is lit up for Diwali. My personal celebration is going to involve lighting the 4 diyas my mom got me, and putting them on my window.

7. This might be the longest I’ve gone without a drink since Junior year of college.

8. Bombay is magical at dawn.

9. Night shoots make you feel like you own the city. Like you’re stealing away something everyone else is missing out on.

10. I still love killing cockroaches.

Holy shit!!

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:51:12 -0400

On TV right now is a film made out of my dreams. It has JUDE LAW in it… playing a VAMPIRE!! Thank you, sweet heavens, for this wonderful blend of everything I could ever desire. Needless to say, I shall be unavailable for the next 2 hours.

3 Things that will make you wish you were me

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:25:16 -0400

1. There were foreign lingerie models (male and female) being auditioned in the office today.

2. I watched the Project Runway where they had to design for drag queens, and it turns out that I have met and conversed with one of them during my stay in NYC. She was called Miss Understood.

3. The new coffee machine at work has, along with the regular fare, a nozzle for synthetic tomato soup!

It Had to be TV

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 14:51:12 -0400

I’ve been working and keeping blissfully busy these past weeks, and I actually love that I haven’t really gotten a day off in some time now because it takes away from alone time that might lead to suicidal/ homicidal thoughts. Anyway… Project Runway has been giving me much refreshment these nights, especially because Heidi Klum is lovelier than ever. One day, I will look like an Indian version of her and hopefully marry someone with fewer holes in his face than Seal. But I digress. The point of this blog entry was to reiterate a longstanding fact: When Harry Met Sally is the best romantic comedy of the past 40 years. I just watched it for perhaps the 70th time, and it was funnier, warmer, and more delightful than I remembered it. So good. And the best part is that it’s one of those rare screen romances that give you a sense of hope because of their realism and believability instead of exciting you and then throwing you into deep depression like Pride and Prejudice (The BBC Version, please) might. Now all I have to do is find a balding guy, have an argument with him and then wait for 12 years to have a beautiful romance in my life! And, as I argue with several bald guys on a daily basis, I can certainly say that I’m off to a brilliant start!

2 Seemingly Different Things

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:09:50 -0400

1. My dad is losing it. He’s been watching this reality singing show and is now obsessed with this guy on it. I admit, the singer isn’t bad at all from whatever I’ve seen but quite frankly he isn’t worth ruining your life over. And that’s exactly where my dad seems to be going. The poor singer, unaware of a middle-aged man’s affections, was kicked off the show last week. I attribute that to his lack of sex appeal. My dad thinks it’s racism against muslims and he won’t have it and has decided to get his contacts together and produce an album for him! Seriously. He asked me to use my media connections and get the guy’s number. Embarrassed, and slightly amused at his whim, I asked around and actually got the show’s planner’s number and gave it to my dad. That was probably a mistake because he is now pursuing this very seriously and is talking like a mad man about how he will bring this new voice to the people and this is why he was born…

2. I just saw the coolest beggar I’ve ever seen. He was about 60 years old, with a bald head that’s quite in fashion at the moment, shirtless with a freakishly ripped body and wearing bright lime green flowing pants that I would pay good money for. Of course the coolest part was that he was begging with his right hand while he held out his penis with his left, as if to say ‘Help me help this’. Just like how female beggars hold their babies while on the job. Those pants though… maybe I’ll ask him about them the next time I see him.

Ear Massages and Pigeon Sex

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 10:20:00 -0400

This is not a new problem in my life. Every place I’ve lived in, barring NYC, I’ve had to deal with pigeons having loud sex. I’m fed up! I wake up in the morning, and the second sound I hear after my alarm is loud ascending throaty pigeon moans!! And it’s sex. I thought it was just regular pigeon sounds myself, and that the nature of the noises seemed dirty to me because of my gutter brain. But NO! I’ve researched, hunted for and observed the root cause with my own eyes. Therefore, I can safely say that for once it’s not just me, it’s them damn birds. They’re at it 24 hours a day, making really disturbing fat middle-aged women sounds, and it can become quite an unpleasant experience if they suddenly start up when you have company or when you just want to digest your dinner. I’m planning on getting a gun soon. I shall keep you all updated.

In the mean time, there’s a new form of pleasure in my life. And it’s not the head massage that I just had. I got off from work in the afternoon and decided to make something of my half-Sunday by getting a head massage. Good decision. Especially because it has introduced me to something I’d like to call ‘Ear Masturbation’. The lady, after massaging my head, neck and shoulders, moved on to massaging my ears. Whether we hold tension in our ear muscles or not is still unclear to me, but nonetheless it was a thoroughly useless 5 minutes she spent on bending and twisting my ears. However, then the true goods came out. She took out this huge hair-brush looking machine with knobs on it and turned it on. It started vibrating really loudly. I thought it was some sort of back massage device and started to sit up straight when the lady put a finger in my ear and another on the machine. Suddenly there was a vibrating finger in my ear and by the time I registered what was happening I was seeped in a sea of pleasure and never wanted it to stop. It was as though a current was going through my entire insides and distributing a sweet pain wherever it went. Soon it was over, and the same events followed as my other ear was taken over. All i remember from that time, besides the supreme happiness, was my wish for another few hundred ears.

Anyway… I have to go watch a thoroughly B-grade film now and enjoy it immensely.

Welcome to Boredomhood

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 08:17:59 -0400

A day expected to hold much excitement and drama has turned into a sleepy, ming-numbingly boring event. We were to have a wonderful first day of shoot today. Up I got at 7 am, despite the failure of my trusted phone alarm, and ran out the door after a quick shower, not washing my hair and not bothering with makeup. We had to shoot in the rain afterall, so why bother, I thought. Horrible mistake. Everybody turned up really late, then sat around waiting for it to rain, and the sun just kept getting brighter and brighter. So we all dispersed, to look for locations for the film. An hour of polluted rickshaw rides later, I get a call to tell me that the kind of location we want has been changed. Not only did this make my last hour a failure, the vagueness of this suggested ‘change’ meant that I had nothing to do now. So back to the office I came, and found the other ADs in a similar position. Together, we decided to make something of the day and watch a disgusting 3rd grade film online and make fun of it. The pelvic gyrations and vulgar dialogue had almost saved the day when we got a call. Half the ADs were needed just in case a shoot was to magically happen. I’m one of the unlucky ones that wasn’t needed. So, here I sit, encompassed by bad music, my eyelids closing every 3 seconds, and looking (ah the morning’s folly!) like I was just raped and slid through a drain.

To put a cherry on top, I have to go to my irritating uncle’s birthday dinner. Why should I have to suffer just because my grandparents didn’t know about the existence of birth-control 50 years ago??

Nothing is the world is more embarrassing or amusing than this...

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:47:42 -0400

Nothing is the world is more embarrassing or amusing than this children’s book on tape that I made freshman year, in full seriousness and for an actual class project.

Sodom, Gomorrah and China

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:24:00 -0400

Some top politician in Malaysia could go to jail for 10 years. His crime- Sodomy. It’s not so much the imprisonment of all homosexuals that shocks me, but the choice of the word ‘sodomy’. Who uses that anymore? This led me to look up something I’ve had at the back of my mind for some time now- the biblical origins of this word. My extensive research (wikipedia) has taught me that Sodom was a village somewhere near the Dead Sea where people were pretty much living it up. In the words of God, they “were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned”. They also indulged in heavy drinking, drugs and sex. Now obviously, if you’re drunk and don’t have much work to do, the boredom might lead one to experimentation such as gay sex or bestiality. Why did God have to take this so personally? Alas, he did, and he destroyed the entire village! I’m sure he just didn’t want people to enjoy themselves while he had to live a lonely and saggy life himself.

Then, as Wikipedia inevitably makes you do, I went off into reading about the views of every religion on homosexuality. Quite shocking was the fact that the only religion that didn’t mind it so much was Confucianism! Not that it encourages you to be gay, but it says that if you are also sleeping with the opposite sex (and not preventing yourself from procreating) it’s fine if you also sleep with the same sex for recreational purposes. Apparently, the Chinese had never even thought of monogamy till the western Christians came along. This makes a lot of sense.

All in all, I hail the Yellow Emperor Huang Di, known to be the father of all of the Han dynasty, because he was a raging peacock despite having 25 children. He pleased Confucius and himself. Let us all follow his path.

Shallow Shit (as opposed to the deeper kind)

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:33:44 -0400

I have made a few cultural observations since my move to Mumbai, but none has been as shocking and overwhelming as the revelation of how shallow a people can be. I mean, this is coming from me. I care about a lot of shallow stuff- clothes, hair, skin, make-up, fancy food and wine, luxury, etc. And I also judge people based on what they look like, and presume their character before they even open their mouths. Yet, this is nothing compared to the petty, pretentious shallowness that exists in this city. People have actual hour-long conversations about the brands of their jeans and the plushness of the lounge they went to last night and the famous people they know who know other famous people. And much more detailed talks are had about other people- what they’re wearing, where they’re going, which words they use, which cellphone they buy, what their ringtone is, which song they’re humming… and this isn’t an exaggeration. I tried to participate in such talks for a bit, just to talk about something at least, but it’s not my cup of tea. Mostly because the whole time I’m thinking, “who gives a fuck?!”

Anyway, I’m reading this beautiful book called Immortality and I came upon a passage that best describes my present sentiments on this shallowness issue. Here it is:

‘Just imagine living in a world without mirrors. You’d dream about your face and imagine it as an outer reflection of what is inside you. And then, when you reached forty, someone would put a mirror before you for the first time in your life. Imagine your fright! You’d see the face of a stranger. And you’d know quite clearly then what you are unable to grasp now: your face is not you.’

Oh My God! AND Beta is on!

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:22:04 -0400

I think my birthday has come a week early!

I am the goddess of the roads

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0400

After a late dinner last night, I wasn’t looking forward to today. Especially as it meant that I would have to drive to work in my new car and probably die in a crash within the first five minutes. My maid’s talkative arrival didn’t improve things. But then, the day took an incredible upswing. My maid came to me when I was trying to coyly walk from my bathroom to my bedroom in a towel and starting ranting in Marathi as usual. This, after I have told her, yelled at her, begged her to shut up because I don’t understand a word she’s saying! Anyway… after about 10 minutes of confusing dialogue and wild gestures I understood that she had gotten her period and wanted a pad. Oh, ok, sure. I went and got her a couple. She insisted that one was enough but she again went into a long series of words and actions and another few minutes were infuriatingly wasted. Turns out, she wasn’t wearing any underwear and wanted a pair of mine… I made a face and gave her one. And quickly went into my room to get dressed as I suddenly felt very naked. When I came out, there she was smiling in her crazed way. And then came the cherry on top- she lifted her saree up to show me how lovely the panties were and how much she loved them. Of course you love them you whore!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

When she left, my discomfort turned into a fit of laughter and suddenly I was excited for the day to unfold. With my uncle for company and moral support, I got into my car (nicknamed Button for now), put on a James Brown CD and took off. Suddenly, I couldn’t figure out why exactly I hated driving or even thought that it was diffcult. It seemed really fine. I was even enjoying the experience. Despite the sporadic traffic and the rain. I can totally do this. Phew. But let’s not jinx it.

At work, something equally magical happened. The day was busy and full of lots of little tasks as everything seemed to have been left to today. Plus, it was exceptionally hot outside and everyone seemed to be highstrung for some reason. But afterwards, we all went to check out some building terraces for a pivotal scene in our film. It was dark, and all the places were adjacent to the sea and sigh… The breeze, the views, the high high heights- it was seriously orgasmic. This one enchanting roof, which had a 15 feet ladder leading up to this water storage tank, from where Bombay seemed like heaven. It felt, all at the same time, a mixture of Manhattan, Simla, Prague, and London. I lay down on that water tank, a little intoxicated with the breeze and looked at the clouds pass the scattered stars and felt completely satisfied with life.

And then I drove back to my house, all my myself, and made my regular dinner of popcorn and green chillies omelette and now am watching the Rakhi Sawant Show. Thank you Lord, for I am a blessed woman.

Rats!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:38:10 -0400

This guy at work has a collection of the most bizarre life stories ever heard of, and the ability to tell them as if a more normal thing couldn’t exist. I asked him where he lived, and this was the response I got:

The people in my building want to get rid of me, so they do these weird black magic things on me, yeah? One night I got home really late and I stepped on my doormat and felt something mushy under my foot. It was actually a rat that had been beheaded and left there. All its insides were gushing out, yeah? So i tried to clean it up but I couldn’t so I just left it there and went to sleep. The next day I asked around about who could have done this and my neighbors said that probably a cat ate the head and left the rat there. But then how could it be right on the doormat exactly where I step when I come in? Anyway, yeah, I live in Goregoan.

I’ve never been more fascinated.